Saturday, October 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular
Attempt to laugh at situations rather than bemoan them. Look for the humor in a bad situation, the irony and absurdity of life. This will help improve your mood and the mood of those around you.
Surround yourself with reminders to lighten up. Keep a toy on your desk or in your car. Put up a funny poster in your office. Choose a computer screensaver that makes you laugh. Frame photos of you and your family or friends having fun.
Keep things in perspective. Many things in life are beyond our control—particularly the behavior of other people. While you might think taking the weight of the world on your shoulders is admirable, in the long run it’s unrealistic, unproductive, unhealthy, and even egotistical.
Deal with your stress. Stress is a major impediment to humor and laughter.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
I have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it, just in case
if anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice. They're lying.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?
Monday, October 13, 2014
It would take perhaps 50 volumes to describe them all, and even then we would only scratch the surface. Any one of the following "dragons" can rip a relationship to shreds if given an opportunity to do so:
Overcommitment and physical exhaustion: Beware of this condition. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why wouldn't they? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! Husbands and wives must reserve time for one another if they hope to keep their love alive.
Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent: We've said it before. Pay cash for consumable items or don't buy. Don't spend more on a house or a car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
Selfishness: There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks. Selfishness will devastate marital partners in short order.
Unhealthy relationships with in-laws: If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers and fathers to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.
Unrealistic expectations: Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and unmitigated joy. There is no way a marriage between two imperfect human beings can deliver on that expectation. The late counselor Jean Lush believed, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women, who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of providing. The consequent disappointment is an emotional minefield.
Space invaders: By space invaders, I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the "breathing room" needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way the phenomenon manifests itself. Another is a poor self-concept, which leads the insecure spouse to build a cage around the other. It often suffocates the relationship. Love must be free, and it must be confident.
Sexual frustration and its partner, the greener grass of infidelity: It is a deadly combination!
Business collapse: Failure in work does bad things to men especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes precipitates anger within the family.
Business success: It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in business. King Solomon wrote: "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread" (Proverbs 30:8). Edward Fitzgerald said it another way: "One of the saddest pages kept by the recording angel is the record of souls that have been damned by success."193 It's true.
Getting married too young: Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s.194 The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.
Alcohol and substance abuse: These are notorious killers, not only of marriages, but of the people who indulge excessively. Research indicates that 40 percent of all Americans and Canadians are close family members of an alcoholic.195, gambling, and other addictions: It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory stage, people think they can tamper with various enticements, such as pornography, gambling, hard drugs, etc., without being hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there are a weakness and a vulnerability that are unknown until too late. Such people then become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family. This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I've made a 20-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death ... or the death of a marriage.
These are a few of the common marriage killers. But in truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate, long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together.
193 Edward Fitzgerald, The Letters of Edward Fitzgerald (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1980).
194 Mike McManus, Marriage Savers (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1993).
195 "40 Percent Have Alcoholic Relative," Copley News Service, 13 October 1991
Sunday, October 12, 2014
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Dont' be afraid to put yourself in Time Out so you can cool off before expressing yourself
Consider letting some things slide, expecially slights that you know are unintentional
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
You will find "Walk" 388 times in the Bible under search- here are a couple examples;
Exodus 18:20New King James Version (NKJV)
20 And you shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and show them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do.
Monday, October 6, 2014
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
"I'm not going," he replied.
"Yes you are going, so get out of that bed!" his mother demanded.
"Give me ONE good reason why I should go," said her son.
"I'll give you THREE good reasons ... One, I'm your mother, and I say you're going. Two, you're 40 years old, so you're old enough to know better ... and three, you're the Pastor, so you need to be there."