Paraprosdokian

I don't think people laugh enough and take life far too seriosly at least I do. I had to look up paraprosdokian. Here is the definition: 1. Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian OK, so now enjoy!

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Going Home

The video slideshow is of Bob Brown, my brother in law who passed away January 27th, 2010.  He served as a misionary to Africa after he retired from the Air Force as an officer. I miss him. I look forward to seeing him on the other side.

Oh Blessed Tail Lights

Jan is gone this week to camp and so I get to watch Billy this Thursday and Friday myself. I sure enjoy being a grandpa. We love to go on walks in his backpack, and I love talking to him as he seems to listen to me and never disagrees.  I think most grandparents hope their grandchildren will change the world for the better where we may have failed. Aaron Wilburn sang this song a few years ago that I thought you may enjoy since there is no real way to tell you the joys of grandparenting unless you have experienced it yourself.

A little boy was in church next his father and at his father’s request said a small prayer, "Dear God, please bless Mommy and Daddy and all the family to be healthy and happy."

Suddenly he looked up and said out loud, "And please don't forget to ask grandpa to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"

"There is no need to shout like that," said his father. "God isn't hard of hearing."

"No," said the little boy, "but Grandpa is."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,

"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting, " she said, "how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

A little girl was sitting on her grandmothers lap as she read her a book. She repeatedly touched her grandmothers cheek and then her own fascinated by the difference.

“Grandma” she asked, “Did God make you?”

“Yes dear,” Grandma replied, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Did God make me?” she asked.

“Yes, God made you too.” Answered Grandma.

“Well he sure has gotten better over the years, hasn’t he?

I Don't Drink Beer

Comedy can bring home a point. I almost hate to post some beer commercials as they show the humor but not the effects it has on ones life. Tim Hawkins is a comedian who wrote a song called "I Don't Drink Beer"

.I enjoy being around people who make me laugh when they do not need alcohol or drugs as those people are real. I have seen too many lives ruined by alcohol/drugs-and that- is not funny. So if you want to know some reasons why I choose not to drink beer- listen to the video and you make your own decisions.

Todays News:

The operator of a boat carrying members of a wedding party that crashed into a barge on the Hudson River Friday night, killing a bride and her fiance's best man while injuring three others, including the groom, has been arrested on suspicion of intoxication.

Please understand, this thing is worse than any of us realize...

My Name Is "Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms,
your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
If you care enough, please forward this profound poem and share the deadly outcome of this drug that is killing our young people & even our old...

Beer doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.

It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.

Good Clean Comedy

I love good clean comedy. Someone said laughter is an instant vacation. It seems my most viewed blogs deal with comedy- you can see I have many important topics, but Comedy is one of the highest, especially if you include commercials. Take a minute and have a good laugh with Kerri Pomarolli as she speaks to a christian womens conference.

Your Cheatin Heart

In 1996 Pepsi came out with this commerical to the country song called Your Cheatin Heart. I thought it was cute- I personally will drink any pop, I am not sold on coke or pepsi- I am trying to stay away from diet pops- actually a root beer float sounds good right now with the temperatures outside. I am thankful our work trucks have Air in them.

A Letter From Dad

 

Children are special. Dads who take care of special needs children are extra special in my eyes and are Hero's. They certainly think nothing of it, but my hats are off to them for the example they set and I know God has a special place in Heaven for them.This video by Focus on the Family reminded me of them- I will not mention their names as I know they want their reward in heaven, not down here. Thanks Men!

And for you moms; TWENTY THINGS A MOM SHOULD TELL HER SON

1. Play a sport. It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time ... and stay out of trouble. And maybe even throw or catch.

2. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship, so don't take something away from her that you can't give back.

3. Use careful aim when you pee. Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.

4. Save money when you're young because you're going to need it someday.

5. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom. Now please go use them.

6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.

7. Don't ever be a bully and don't ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, please defend yourself.

8. Your knowledge and education is something that nobody can take away from you.

9. Treat women kindly. Forever is a long time to live alone and it's even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.

10. Take pride in your appearance.

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

12. A woman can do everything that you can do. This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir" still go a long way.

14. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private". Please do not scratch them in public.

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing. Be a good leader and others will follow.

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.

17. It is better to be kind than to be right.

18. A sense of humor goes a long way in the healing process.

19. Please choose your spouse wisely. My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.

20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.

The Most Dangerous Job

I am thankful for my job- its pretty safe and I have some great co-workers. My brother sent me this video of what could be a dangerous job? I think they would have to be in great shape and they certainly deserve to be paid more than my job pays- and more than most sports players. So next time you complain about being underpaid, or think your job is tough, take a look at this job and Be Thankful.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember?

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. It turns itself in.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.

A' : One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it.

A'': thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb'sburning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it's still dark in there.

A''': sixty: thirty to bribe staffers to write letters telling everyone how wonderful it is to sit in the dark, and thirty more to bribe newspaper editors to publish those letters.

A'''': The Administration will defend its policy of warrant-less of all Americans suspected of supporting foreign terrorist bulbs entering this country.

Fake Women

Its no fun growing old, and today I needed to laugh more- so I am posting this video again.  George Younce has gone home- but I enjoy his singing and humor.

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now. "

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been

The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in 70 or 80 years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all.

Video Conference

I could post this under values even though it is a commerical. Seems we often forget to tell the Truth and have forgotten it is part of the 10 Commandments that we seldom refer to anymore.It does not matter if they have been removed from the walls of our schools if they are written on the walls of your heart. Nothing makes me loose trust in someone faster than someone who lies to me. And a lie is a lie- no such thing as stretching the truth, white lies, little lies, implying,- why not just tell the truth?

The United States has made a lot of progress over the last 140 years. It sure has. President Washington couldn't tell a lie and now every politician in Washington can

Excuses, Excuses

My parents never gave me the option to stay home from church- I can appreciate that now. I learned at Bible college to keep my Eyes on Jesus, not others, so it does not matter who does or does not go to church today. It is my choice- I choose to attend and stay committed even in tough times or when we may disagree. I am so thankful for my church and pastor. Everyone needs a church home- you will find that in scripture. I am also thankful for our denomination leadership and protection. I don't know how people make it without that support, accountability and encouragement. They have put up with me for almost 26 years now-(Am I getting old or what)  I miss many who have gone on and I welcome the new faces. I appreciate the variety of ages, the prayers for me, support, and messages are so encouraging. So for you who choose to stay home today, here are some excuses for you in todays video by the Kingsmen.

NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDEES!

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special “No Excuse Sunday”: Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, “Sunday is my only day to sleep in.” There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, “The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.” Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute “Stamp Out Stewardship” buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can’t hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he’s too loud! Hope to see you there!

Bedtime Prayers

Sometimes we do things out of habit and need someone to question why we do certain things. Tim Hawkins looks at some of our bedtime prayers for kids- maybe you can explain it for us? Sometimes it is not just the things we say to our kids that we do not think about either?

Dear Lord,

So far everything has gone well today.

I have been patient. I have been thoughtful of others. I have put others first. I have not gossiped, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not lost my temper, or even been brusque. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

However, Lord, in just a few minutes I’ll be getting out of bed and I am going to need all the help I can get!

Retirees Prayer;

Now I lay me

Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my backside
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Amen

Dear Lord,
Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.
Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.
Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, even though they're usually not my fault.
Help me to not try to run everything - but, if you need some help, please feel free to ask me.
Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.
Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
Give me patience, and I mean right now!
Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
Help me to finish everything I sta
Help me to keep my mind on one thing ... oh, look, a bird ... at a time.
Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.
Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait ... this is wrong ...
Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.
Thank you, Lord.
Amen 

Mr. Silent Gasser Passer

Our striping crew has a good sense of humor, maybe this is why we work together so well? This video is for one of DOT's best striper drivers in the state. He has been on the crew over 20 years, and  he has driven striper the  longest in State, as well. He is one of the younger members on the crew but will be a grandpa this fall. He has driven 3 different striper trucks in his career,  and I cannot recall an accident he has been in. Hats off To Pat Medrano- a true Real  Men of Genius. Although I wish you the best on your Lead Tech interviews- I kinda hope you will stay with our crew as driver, a bit longer.