Dealing with Difficult People

John Lund wrote a book called How to Hug a Porcupine and is a marriage counselor. Most marriage advice is not just for marriages, but also helpful in your work, your friends, and family relationships. Criticism is the issue he deals with in this series.

This is actually part 2 of the issue of criticism in marriage. It was too important to leave out or post another day- many marriages break up as they cannot deal with criticism.

I had to include part 3, as it gives us a test to see if we have a toxic personality and is final part dealing with criticism in marriage. I hope this posting helps you not only in your marriage, but in your job and with your family. Some Good stuff we all can improve on- and yes, I have just made 3 blogs into one very important one. If it did not help you, it did help me.

You might be a difficult person if...

you have to stand on your head to smile.
people often tell you you’re a difficult person.
your parrot only knows swear words.
your parents move and ‘forget’ to tell you where.
milk curdles when you try to drink it.
your wife changes your home phone number while you’re away on a trip.
people salute you on the job and you’re not in the military.
your imaginary friends constantly tick you off.
you often walk into businesses when they are coincidently closing.
you go to work and find your desk has been moved to the cellar.
to screw in a lightbulb you stand there with the bulb in the socket and wait while the world revolves around you.
your wife addresses you as “Sir.”
tele-marketers hang up on you.
your Christmas “Mystery Person” gift at work is a muzzle.
someone keeps sending in your obituary to the paper.
your houseplants talk back to you.
you find out you were the center of attention at parties you weren’t invited to.
you aren’t invited to your office’s Christmas party and you’re the boss.
it’s not your deodorant that isn’t working.
you really can break crystal with your normal speaking voice.
the Foreign Legion won’t let you join because they’re afraid you’ll be a bad influence.
you find out that your office has a pool on how many minutes it will be before you explode again.

Cultivating A Good Marriage

Never quit working on making your  marriage better! Without judging anyone or knowing all the facts in all situations, can I say;  I am so tired of hearing of those walking away from their marriages, breaking their vows they made, and thinking their decisions does not affect anyone besides themselves, and most of all-  those called Christians who choose to give up and walk away. I have over 55 videos devoted to marriage and I support those ministries who devote themselves to marriage like Family Life,  Life Trac, Focus  on the Family, and Family Talk- please use them, but don't give up. I used to blame church's for not teaching enough on marriage- but it is your choice, it takes two I know, but don't quit working on your marriage. As in todays video- most marriages grow apart as couples quit working on it and staying together. And, don't wait for your partner, Start with yourself!

Last night in church, someone who I looked up, to and I count as a mentor in my life- shared how he tried to mentor his grandson only to find this grandson kept him accountable and made him live his life to a higher standard; because of his grandsons expectations and calling him on it when he did not. He knew his actions affected so many around him- I am tired of those who say "Its my life and no one else's business what I do"- how wrong! Your actions affect so many around, a more exact question is "How much is your sin going to cost me?" Before you do something stupid, like walking away in your marriage- take time to count all it will affect- and who will pay the price for your selfish actions. I am thankful for those who help keep me accountable and will call me on it when I am not. We need more grandkids in this world like his.

A Love Story by T.D.Jakes

I love black pastors styles of preaching- I remember as a teenager visiting a black church on a Wednesday night- as we arrived, we were the only ones there, but they made us feel so welcome, and soon others joined us for a wonderful service. I don't think we hear enough sermons on marriage, so let me post his today. I hope I my life is preaching a sermon as well on the importance of marriage. Someone told me the best thing I can do for my kids is to love their mother.

Marriage Picture

 

One cannot go wrong with using the Bible as a guide for successful marriage. That only makes sense since God was the one who designed marriage.  I have a wide variety of marriage videos, with most based on scripture. No matter how wonderful your marriage is, we should always work to make it better. I find it ironic that people complain about the divorce rates- but will do nothing to strengthen and build marriages.

 

Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. by Bill Elliff 

Imagine meeting with an engaged couple a few weeks before they are married. With excitement they describe how they met and how their relationship developed. The husband-to-be proudly describes how he set up a perfect romantic evening so he could pop the big question.

Then they surprise you by saying, “We want to get married and have some children. At first we will feel a lot of love for each other. Then we’ll start arguing and hating each other. In a few years, we’ll get a divorce.”

Who would enter marriage intending to get a divorce? And yet, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. A large number of people in my church have been hurt deeply by divorce—they’ve been divorced themselves, or they’ve felt the pain of a parent or relative divorcing.

As common as divorce is, I’m convinced that most of them could be avoided. Mark this down on the tablet of your heart: Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. Our culture promotes many deceptions that can quickly destroy a marriage. Here are eight:

Lie #1. "My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”  

As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.”

But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage.

The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time.

Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness.

Lie #2. “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”   

It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love—the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind … it never fails (1 Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies.

When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.”

Lie #3. “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.”

A lot of people think, I can view pornography in the privacy of my home. It’s just me and my magazine, or computer … it doesn’t affect my marriage.

Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?”

In the 21^st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).

If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.

Lie #4. “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.”

The truth is God can fix our failures—any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13).

“But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?” Yes. I believe that it does—when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God.

Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”

Lie #5. “I married the wrong person.”

Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway—hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.”

A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

God tells us not to be poured into the world’s mold. Instead we are to be transformed and that begins in our minds. By doing this, God will give us exactly what we need for our lives. God’s will for us is good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).

Here’s the key for those who are now married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him.

Lie #6. “My spouse and I are incompatible.” 

I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people.

If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.

That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.” My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth.

If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all. And that acceptance will swing open the door of change for not only my spouse, but also for me.

Lie #7. “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.”

When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects. Many consequences of divorce never go away.

Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?”

Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.”

Blake says that his parents (who both remarried) have embraced the gospel, resulting in him readily accepting advice and encouragement from them. “Watching the gospel play out … with my mom and dad was huge,” he says.

Lie #8. “There’s no hope for my marriage—it can’t be fixed.” 

This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into.

I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them.

If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). God can fix anything!

 Copyright © 2012 by Bill Elliff. Used with permission

 

Secret to a Long Marriage

I admire people married over 50 years- they all have such a sense of humor as well- maybe that is one reason they are still married. I don't think we celebrate anniversaries over 50 years enough. Zig Ziglar was one of my heros- he has gone on and I expect to see him in heaven someday. Here is a video where he explains how to  have a long marriage- without using the Bible.

You approach the buffet table and see a golden-brown turkey, fluffy mashed potatoes, lumpless gravy, buttery vegetables, and freshly baked pies. Your friends await your arrival so the feast can begin.                      
“No thanks,” you say, “I couldn’t wait, so I ate a bologna sandwich and bag of chips on the way.”                      
Ridiculous! Who would choose a bologna sandwich over a turkey dinner?                   
Okay, this is a simple allegory. But still, it illustrates something powerful: The abundance Christ offers us if we trust and obey. Jesus calls us to look beyond our immediate satisfaction to what He is preparing for us in eternity. He has made wonderful provisions for our future with Him.                       

So don’t settle for a bag lunch (sin and immediate gratification) when you can have the whole feast (salvation and sanctification). It’s worth the wait. The glories that await us in heaven far outweigh any trials or tribulations we might have to deal with here.                   
-- Adapted from Jule-Ann Lattimer

Get off the Crazy Cycle

 

I attended a love and respect marriage class and have heard Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs in person, in Spokane. I find that it helps not only in marriage, but even at work to know the differences between men and women. I may be a slow learner, but it always helps to learn as much as I can about women.

What Women Means is Different

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT

This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

My Response

I miss Paul Harvey celebrating those who have been married over 70 years. I certainly am not the expert on this subject- I am thankful for those who provide helps, such as Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. I wish I would not hear of one more divorce- everyone looses when that happens. No one plans for a divorce or thinks it can happen to them. This was on Focus on The Family web site, and wanted to share it with you today, called "Major Marriage Killers"- It makes sense that one would steer away from these and always work on improving your marriage. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has a excellent video called My Response. We all can be hurt at times, but it is a good reminder to make sure we handle our Response properly- that is our responsiblity. I know I have hurt people, and it is my responsiblity to handle my response first and foremost. Oh yes, keep communication open- I was surprised that was not listed below as well. there is also a verse that says "Don't let the Sun Go down on your anger..."

What are the "marriage killers" most responsible for today's high divorce rate?Would you identify some of the major "marriage killers" that are most responsible for the high divorce rate that plagues today's families?
It would take perhaps 50 volumes to describe them all, and even then we would only scratch the surface. Any one of the following "dragons" can rip a relationship to shreds if given an opportunity to do so:
Overcommitment and physical exhaustion: Beware of this condition. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why wouldn't they? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! Husbands and wives must reserve time for one another if they hope to keep their love alive.
Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent: We've said it before. Pay cash for consumable items or don't buy. Don't spend more on a house or a car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
Selfishness: There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks. Selfishness will devastate marital partners in short order.
Unhealthy relationships with in-laws: If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers and fathers to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.
Unrealistic expectations: Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and unmitigated joy. There is no way a marriage between two imperfect human beings can deliver on that expectation. The late counselor Jean Lush believed, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women, who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of providing. The consequent disappointment is an emotional minefield.
Space invaders: By space invaders, I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the "breathing room" needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way the phenomenon manifests itself. Another is a poor self-concept, which leads the insecure spouse to build a cage around the other. It often suffocates the relationship. Love must be free, and it must be confident.
Sexual frustration and its partner, the greener grass of infidelity: It is a deadly combination!
Business collapse: Failure in work does bad things to men especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes precipitates anger within the family.
Business success: It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in business. King Solomon wrote: "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread" (Proverbs 30:8). Edward Fitzgerald said it another way: "One of the saddest pages kept by the recording angel is the record of souls that have been damned by success."193 It's true.
Getting married too young: Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s.194 The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.
Alcohol and substance abuse: These are notorious killers, not only of marriages, but of the people who indulge excessively. Research indicates that 40 percent of all Americans and Canadians are close family members of an alcoholic.195, gambling, and other addictions: It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory stage, people think they can tamper with various enticements, such as pornography, gambling, hard drugs, etc., without being hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there are a weakness and a vulnerability that are unknown until too late. Such people then become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family. This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I've made a 20-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death ... or the death of a marriage.
These are a few of the common marriage killers. But in truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate, long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together.
193 Edward Fitzgerald, The Letters of Edward Fitzgerald (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1980).
194 Mike McManus, Marriage Savers (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1993).
195 "40 Percent Have Alcoholic Relative," Copley News Service, 13 October 1991

Meaning of Marriage

Tim Keller wrote a book called the Meaning of Marriage. I like it as he uses the Bible, which never changes, unlike what some are trying to do with marriage in the news. Over half of this video deals with questions- makeing it even more relevant. I do wish he used more humor in this, but cannot disagree with what he said. I am not a marriage expert or a judge, but I know the importance of always working on our marriage- that is why you will find almost 50 video posts on marriage, as well as many other posts on that subject under other labels. If this video is not your style, check out another one under marriage- but please- Never quit working on your marriage. 

“Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.”

― Timothy Keller,    

“Only with time do we really learn who the other person is and come to love the person for him- or herself and not just for the feelings and experiences they give us.”

― Timothy Keller,

“This principle - that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend - is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of the desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. The problem with these factors is that they are not durable. Physical attractivess will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure. And socio-economic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. When people think they have found compatibility based on these things, they often make the painful discovery that they have built their relationship on unstable ground. A woman "lets herself go" or a man loses his job, and the compatibility foundation falls apart.”

― Timothy Keller

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

― Timothy Keller

“The problem is not with marriage itself. According to Genesis 1 and 2, we were made for marriage, and marriage was made for us. Genesis 3 tells us that marriage, along with every other aspect of human life, has been broken because of sin. If our views of marriage are too romantic and idealistic, we underestimate the influence of sin on human life. If they are too pessimistic and cynical, we misunderstand marriage’s divine origin. If we somehow manage, as our modern culture has, to do both at once, we are doubly burdened by a distorted vision. Yet the trouble is not within the institution of marriage but within ourselves.”

― Timothy Keller

“In fact, there are all sorts of great institutions and human enterprises that the Bible doesn’t address or regulate. And so we are free to invent them and operate them in line with the general principles for human life that the Bible gives us. But marriage is different. As the Presbyterian Book of Common Worship says, God “established marriage for the welfare and happiness of humankind.” Marriage did not evolve in the late Bronze Age as a way to determine property rights. At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding (of Christ and the church). Marriage is God’s idea.”
― Timothy Keller

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornadoes and hail.

Go Home and Love Your Wife

I would like to meet Vodie Bochman in person someday- he is one of my favorite radio speakers. I debated to put this  under marriage or fathers- lets go with marriage as both sides need to hear this story. There is a entire book in Bible, called Hosea, that deals with this topic. To put it in simple terms, "Husbands, Go Home and Love Your Wife". They say the best thing we can do our children is to show our kids a good marriage- don't get that example from TV shows.

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a... fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.

What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

12 Marriage Killers by Dr. James Dobson
All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk.
Would you identify some of the major "marriage killers" that are most responsible for the high divorce rate that plagues today's families?
It would take perhaps 50 volumes to describe them all, and even then we would only scratch the surface. Any one of the following "dragons" can rip a relationship to shreds if given an opportunity to do so:
Overcommitment and physical exhaustion: Beware of this condition. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why wouldn't they? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! Husbands and wives must reserve time for one another if they hope to keep their love alive.
Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent: We've said it before. Pay cash for consumable items or don't buy. Don't spend more on a house or a car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
Selfishness: There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks. Selfishness will devastate marital partners in short order.
Unhealthy relationships with in-laws: If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers and fathers to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.
Unrealistic expectations: Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and unmitigated joy. There is no way a marriage between two imperfect human beings can deliver on that expectation. The late counselor Jean Lush believed, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women, who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of providing. The consequent disappointment is an emotional minefield.
Space invaders: By space invaders, I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the "breathing room" needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way the phenomenon manifests itself. Another is a poor self-concept, which leads the insecure spouse to build a cage around the other. It often suffocates the relationship. Love must be free, and it must be confident.
Sexual frustration and its partner, the greener grass of infidelity: It is a deadly combination!
Business collapse: Failure in work does bad things to men especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes precipitates anger within the family.
Business success: It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in business. King Solomon wrote: "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread" (Proverbs 30:8). Edward Fitzgerald said it another way: "One of the saddest pages kept by the recording angel is the record of souls that have been damned by success." It's true.
Getting married too young: Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s. The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.
Alcohol and substance abuse: These are notorious killers, not only of marriages, but of the people who indulge excessively. Research indicates that 40 percent of all Americans and Canadians are close family members of an alcoholic.
Pornography, gambling, and other addictions: It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory stage, people think they can tamper with various enticements, such as pornography, gambling, hard drugs, etc., without being hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there are a weakness and a vulnerability that are unknown until too late. Such people then become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family. This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I've made a 20-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death ... or the death of a marriage.
These are a few of the common marriage killers. But in truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate, long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together.

Pink and Blue Sun Glasses

I am no expert on marriage, and I certainly am not a role model as the perfect husband- I do know it's important to keep working at improving communication and ones marriage. I attended the Love and  Respect Conference in Spokane a few years ago- I probably have forgotten and much glazed over my head. The best time to take such a class is when your marriage is going well. I highly recommend couples attending marriage conferences/retreats as well as pastors teaching on this topic.  On June 9th, many church's will be speaking on marriage- I can't wait that long to share this marriage video.

· After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. That's a bit much, said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. That's still quite a bit, Tom groused. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. What I mean, said Tom, is I'd like to see something really cheap. So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Secret to A Happy Marriage

 

Zig Ziglar, who had been suffering from pneumonia, died at the age of eighty-six at a hospital in the Dallas suburb of Plano on November 28, 2012. I always enjoyed his books and his motivational speeches, he was one of my heros. I loved the book "Raising postive kids in a Negative World"(85). In 1944, he met his wife, Jean, in the capital city of Jackson, Mississippi; he was seventeen and she was sixteen. They married in late 1946. I would  like  to share this video as a tribute to him- he was married 66 years to the same woman- what an example!

12 Marriage Killers

by Dr. James Dobson
All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk.

Would you identify some of the major "marriage killers" that are most responsible for the high divorce rate that plagues today's families?

It would take perhaps 50 volumes to describe them all, and even then we would only scratch the surface. Any one of the following "dragons" can rip a relationship to shreds if given an opportunity to do so:

Overcommitment and physical exhaustion: Beware of this condition. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why wouldn't they? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! Husbands and wives must reserve time for one another if they hope to keep their love alive.

Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent: We've said it before. Pay cash for consumable items or don't buy. Don't spend more on a house or a car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.

Selfishness: There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks. Selfishness will devastate marital partners in short order.

Unhealthy relationships with in-laws: If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers and fathers to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.

Unrealistic expectations: Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and unmitigated joy. There is no way a marriage between two imperfect human beings can deliver on that expectation. The late counselor Jean Lush believed, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women, who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of providing. The consequent disappointment is an emotional minefield.

Space invaders: By space invaders, I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the "breathing room" needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way the phenomenon manifests itself. Another is a poor self-concept, which leads the insecure spouse to build a cage around the other. It often suffocates the relationship. Love must be free, and it must be confident.

Sexual frustration and its partner, the greener grass of infidelity: It is a deadly combination!

Business collapse: Failure in work does bad things to men especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes precipitates anger within the family.

Business success: It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in business. King Solomon wrote: "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread" (Proverbs 30:8). Edward Fitzgerald said it another way: "One of the saddest pages kept by the recording angel is the record of souls that have been damned by success." It's true.

Getting married too young: Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s. The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.

Alcohol and substance abuse: These are notorious killers, not only of marriages, but of the people who indulge excessively. Research indicates that 40 percent of all Americans and Canadians are close family members of an alcoholic.

Pornography, gambling, and other addictions: It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory stage, people think they can tamper with various enticements, such as pornography, gambling, hard drugs, etc., without being hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there are a weakness and a vulnerability that are unknown until too late. Such people then become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family. This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I've made a 20-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death ... or the death of a marriage.

These are a few of the common marriage killers. But in truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate, long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together.

What Makes A Marriage Last

Last night I discovered Howard Hendricks went home to his reward. He died on Feb. 20, having taught for over 60 years at Dallas Theological Seminary. I never met him, but looked up to him and he influenced my life in so many ways. We would listen to his 15 minute radio broadcast in the early 80’s when we lived in Tumwater and I followed his ministry. We used to call him “Uncle Howard” because he shared the same name as us, even though he was not actually related as far as I know. He was married almost 70 years and found this video online talking about "marriage" I had to share today. Howard Hendricks came from a broken home, his parents having split up after he was born. He was raised by his grandmother and described himself during elementary school as a troublemaker. According to a Dallas Theological Seminary tribute, caring words from his sixth-grade teacher changed his life. “People are always looking for someone to say, ‘Hey, I believe in you,’”Howard Hendricks was quoted as saying. Howard Hendricks taught the Bible at Dallas Theological Seminary for 61 years. He wrote a big stack of books and was married for nearly seven decades. His love for the Bible was infectious, as evidenced by the passion for the Bible displayed in the ministries of folks he taught: Tony Evans, Robert Jeffress, David Jeremiah, Erwin Lutzer, Joseph Stowell, and Chuck Swindoll. He also influenced future professors and authors, including Bruce Wilkinson, best-selling author of The Prayer of Jabez. Well Done- What A Legacy and example! I hope I can believe in a someone(s) and change his life like his 6th grade teacher did for him....

“I don’t believe a word of it”

Howard Hendricks was raised in a broken home. He recalled, “My parents separated when I came along. I split the family.” His father’s mother reared him, and he described himself as a “troublemaker” during his elementary school years, “probably just ‘acting out’ a lot of insecurities.”

“Most likely to end up in prison” was the assessment of his fifth-grade teacher in Philadelphia. Once she even tied him to his seat with a rope and taped his mouth shut. Yet everything changed for that boy when he met his sixth-grade teacher. He introduced himself to Miss Noe, and she told him, “I’ve heard a lot about you. But I don’t believe a word of it.”

Those words would change his life. She made him realize for the first time that someone cared. “People are always looking for someone to say, ‘Hey, I believe in you,’” he said. And in his more than sixty years as a professor, he believed in his students.

Tony Evans on Marriage

There are some good pastors and recources available to help marriages. This is a good time of year to look at strengthening your marriage- don't wait till it is bad; work on it while it is good and make it better. I know Family Life Today has several Weekend To Remember Seminars coming next month. Locally we also have Life Trac Ministries and I know Focus on the Family, Family Life Today,  and Tony Evans also has marriage resources available. I certainly am not an expert on marriage, but I know the importance in working to make it better and know the power of prayer and that God can help save your marriage.

Touching Speech by Brides Dad

Perhaps this is one of the most touching speeches given by a brides father to the groom I have heard. I did not get a lot of counseling or advice before I got married,  I do remember my dad gave me a short letter he got called "Marriage is Death"- I lost it, but it was good advice and wish I could find a copy of that again. Hopefully I can show my grandkids by example on marriage, as Grandpas never give speeches at weddings. If anyone should have a copy of that article, please send it to me.

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”