I do not drink beer. This commercial is borderline but does have some humor to it and tells you several more reasons why I do not drink beer.
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
"It's true, alcohol kills people. But how many are born because of it ?"
"I was drowning my sorrows but they learned to swim."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Thanks for putting up with my posts/blogs, and for your comments. There are many topics I do not have the answers to; but I know who to turn to for the answers. This video has a powerful message without any photos or spoken words. check it out. May you turn to Jesus Christ for Life's answers and for hope.
Many of you just watched EV Hill "preach his wife's funeral" blog, and were touched by it as I was. I came across this message by him called God Is- it is actually part 1 of 3 but I wanted to post part 1 to update you on how he handled his wife's death and his remarriage. Perhaps I cannot relate to any of these sermons, but I can trust God, and I enjoy his humor in this sermon. It is also probably one of his last sermons before his death. I enjoy his style of preaching. If you want to hear the remaining parts, you can click here, they are only 10 minutes each. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Uj9YXDVdcc part 2 of 3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJXmVV02IjA part 3 of 3
11 ways to comfort someone who’s grieving
If you have a friend or relative who is grieving, it can be hard to know how to console him or her. If it seems that nothing you can do or say helps, don’t give up. You can’t take the pain away, but your presence is more important than it seems. Accept that you can’t fix the situation or make your friend or relative feel better. Instead just be present and offer hope and a positive outlook toward the future. Accept that the person’s grieving will be a gradual process.
It is sometimes difficult to know what to say to a bereaved person. If you find yourself tongue-tied or uncertain of what to do in the face of someone’s loss, here are some steps you might try.
Name names. Don’t be afraid to mention the deceased. It won’t make your friend any sadder, although it may prompt tears. It’s terrible to feel that someone you love must forever be expunged from memory and conversation. (This suggestion does not apply in cultures in which mentioning the dead is taboo or bad luck, however.)
Offer hope. People who have gone through grieving often remember that it is the person who offered reassuring hope, the certainty that things will get better, who helped them make the gradual passage from pain to a renewed sense of life.
Make phone calls. Call to express your sympathy. Try to steer clear of such phrases as “It’s God’s will” or “It’s for the best” unless the bereaved person says this first. Your friend or relative may need you even more after the first few weeks and months, when other people may stop calling.
Write a note. If you had a relationship with the deceased, try to include a warm, caring, or funny anecdote that shows how important to you he or she was. If you didn’t know the deceased, offer your sympathy and assure the bereaved that he or she is in your thoughts or prayers.
Help out. Be specific when offering help. Volunteer to shop or do laundry, bring dinner, pass on information about funeral arrangements, or answer the phone. Pitch in to clean up the kitchen. A lawyer might volunteer to help with the estate. A handy person might button up the house as winter approaches.
Be sensitive to differences. People mourn and grieve in different ways. Religion plays a big role in how death is treated; so do ethnic, cultural, and family backgrounds. Avoid criticizing the funeral arrangements or memorial service. Also, try not to impose your beliefs about death on your friend.
Make a date. Ask your friend to join you for a walk or meal once a week. Be aware that weekends are often very difficult, and suggest an activity. Low-stress activities may be best: watch a video at home together versus going out to a movie. Sometimes just being there without saying much is enough — it may even be exactly what your friend wants.
Listen well instead of advising. A sympathetic ear is a wonderful thing. A friend who listens even when the same story is told with little variation is even better. Often, people work through grief and trauma by telling their story over and over. Unless you are asked for your advice, don’t be quick to offer it.
Express your feelings. If you share your friend’s sorrow, say so. It’s even all right to blurt out that you don’t know what to say. Most likely, nothing you say will turn the tide, but your sympathetic presence may make your friend feel slightly less alone. (One caveat: try not to express your feelings so emphatically that your friend has to take care of you.)
Handle anger gently. People who are grieving sometimes direct angry feelings toward the closest target. If that happens to be you, try to be understanding. That is, wait until well after the person has cooled down before raising your concern in a nonthreatening way.
Keep your promises. If you offer to do anything, follow through. This is especially important where promises to children are involved. Losing a loved one is abandonment enough.
Someone said Lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math? Someone has said if you aren’t happy with what you have, you won’t be happy with that what you want. The odds are 1 in 17 billion for winning the 425 million powerball prize with a $2.00 ticket on a recent Wednesday night. In fact there is a 6% chance that no one would win that powerball winning. I am sure there are people out there who need it a lot more than I need it- I hope they win it and enjoy it. And right now I feel like I am the winner in more ways than one. You think $425 million is impressive? Try $60.8 billion. That’s the amount state lotteries reporting making in the last fiscal year, according to the North American Assn. of State and Provincial Lotteries. That’s an 8.7% increase from the previous fiscal year. And at the pace the industry is going, you can expect those numbers to continue.
Sure the videos are funny and show how you could spend your money- but the reality is that it does not always buy happiness. In 1998, William "Bud" Post III won $16.2 million in the Pennsylvania lottery, only to later wish it had never happened. That's because his brother hired a hit man to try to kill him and his sixth wife (and was arrested for doing so), other relatives made him invest in businesses that never paid off, a landlady made him give her a third of his winnings, and Post "spent time in jail for firing a gun over the head of a bill collector." He declared bankruptcy and, in 2006, at the age of, 66, "died of respiratory failure... at a Pittsburgh area hospital," writes Patricia Sullivan in The Washington Post. Then there's Victoria Zell, who won an $11 million Powerball jackpot with her husband in 2001, only to end up in Minnesota prison after being convicted of a drug- and alcohol-induced collision that killed one and paralyzed another. "This just goes to show you winning the Powerball doesn't guarantee you happiness," said County Attorney Amy Klobuchar.
Abraham Shakespeare won the $31 million jackpot in Florida in 2006. He disappeared in 2009, having spent most of his fortune; his body was found in early 2010 under a concrete slab. John Campanelli writes in The Plain Dealer, "A woman who had befriended him -- and fleeced him for $1.8 million, say police -- has been charged in connection with his murder." Campanelli goes on to list 9 other unfortunate lotto cases, including the sad tales of Willie Hurt, who killed a woman over crack cocaine, and Callie Rogers, who won $3 million at the age of 16 in the UK lottery, and used her money on "vacations, cars, gifts, drugs and even breast implants." Rogers was broke by 2009, "driving a used Volkswagen Golf to her job as a maid and had twice attempted suicide."
In June of 1997, a man named Billie Bob Harrell Jr. took the $31 million Texas Lottery jackpot. At first, all was great: "Harrell purchased a ranch. He bought a half-dozen homes for himself and other family members. He, his wife and all the kids got new automobiles. He made large contributions to his church. If members of the congregation needed help, Billie Bob was there with cash," writes Steve McVicker in The Houston Press. "Then suddenly Harrell discovered that his life was unraveling almost as quickly as it had come together.... everyone, it seemed -- family, friends, fellow worshipers and strangers -- was putting the touch on him. His spending and his lending spiraled out of control. In February those tensions splintered his already strained marriage." And tragically, 20 months after winning the lottery, Harrell committed suicide.
Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was an already wealthy businessman when he won what was at the time the largest jackpot ever by a single ticket, garnering him $314.9 million on December 25, 2002. A chain of awful events followed, including his car being broken into twice, first with $545,000 in cash stolen, then later with $200,000 stolen (and later recovered); a plot was revealed in which two club employees had planned to drug his drinks and rob him; his granddaughter's boyfriend was found dead in Whittaker's home from an overdose; Whittaker's granddaughter was found dead at a male friend's house after being reported missing (the death was ruled an overdose); Whittaker had a DUI; Whittaker was sued by Caesars Atlantic City casino for bouncing $1.5 million worth in checks to cover gambling losses; Whittaker was sued by a woman who had previously sued him for not paying her money (he claimed thieves had stolen it all from him); and Whittaker's daughter was found dead. "I wish I'd torn that ticket up," Whittaker has said.
Everyone is so busy. Some, are too busy to attend church today. I try to keep my videos around a couple minutes. People don't have time to watch my long videos. We have many different styles of presenting the gospel message- but there is only one way to Heaven. It does not change. Not everyone agrees on the style of music they prefer, and I am sure it is the same way with listening to the message of salvation- This young man can reach people with his style that I can never reach with my style. I am glad Gods word never changes. I hope you know my friend Jesus and have accepted him as your savior personally. Preach the word of God, and if you have to, use words.
RECALL NOTICE:
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include : 1. Loss of direction 2. Foul vocal emissions 3. Amnesia of origin 4. Lack of peace and joy 5. Selfish or violent behavior 6. Depression or confusion in the mental component 7. Fearfulness 8. Idolatry 9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician , JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R .
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus , into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with: 1. Love 2. Joy 3. Peace 4. Patience 5. Kindness 6. Goodness 7. Faithfulness 8. Gentleness 9. Self control Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus .
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!
For 20 years I have known Abigail the Clown- but only made one video of her and really do not know her that well. Yes, I have spent Royal Family Camp with her but most of the time I see her getting ready and then she is gone in a hurry. When she returns she is usually tired and hungry so I don't see her much then. She loves to do Birthday parties for children and also usually is in the parades. I don't know how many missionary trips she has been on- two years ago she went to both Uganda and Thailand. Most of her trips are with Janice- but I can sneak along when they are with the Grandkids. Somehow I get the bills of all the balloons she orders for herself and others. She received a photo with a note dated May 1, 1999 that reads; They wouldn't believe that I was a clown in the Wenatchee Apple Blossom Parade. You made the world go away. I was a Kid Again... And now I have this picture to put on my dart board. Thanks for a Great Day. Jack Raymons, Muckiltio, WA.. She also has a photo and signature from Shirley Jones. Today she is scheduled to attend the adoption celebration.
Why did the clown go to the doctor? (Because he was feeling a little funny!)
I'd like to take over the clown's job! (Those are big shoes to fill!)
What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?... (Go for the juggler/jugular!)
Why did the clown throw his clock out of the window? (He wanted to see time fly!)
TV's have come a long way- we actually did not have a tv in our house until I was in high school. I remember the little TV's that came out- not sure if they sell them anymore? Those TV's were not like what we have now- I suppose cell phones can be used as TV's? This is an old ad, but full of humor and shows you how far TV's have come.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Some of you may remember a prime time show from the 70’s called the Dean Martin show, a skit called the Airline Pilot. You can see humor has changed in more ways than one. Today’s blog could possibly offend some? But before you think I am saying drinking is funny, let me post this from wikopedia regarding Foster Brooks;
As his "Lovable Lush" character, Brooks usually portrayed a conventioneer who had had a few too many drinks — not falling-down drunk, but inebriated enough that he would mix up his words to comedic delight. Brooks drew upon his own battles with alcohol for his act. However, during his period of greatest fame, Brooks rarely drank.[4] Of giving up drinking to win a bet in 1964, Brooks said, "A fellow made me a $10 bet I couldn't quit, and I haven't had a drink since. At the time I needed the $10."[4] He would occasionally make cameo appearances in which his character was perfectly sober, such as his appearance in a 1968 episode of Adam-12 playing a straight-laced citizen who tries to get out of a parking ticket by dropping the name of an officer senior to the main characters.
Places I have Been and not Been; I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not! I have been in Deepshit many times. The older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Several years ago I added some photos of Janice to this song by Steve and Annie Chapman. The words are more important than the photos. Someone asked what I want for Christmas- I have so much to be thankful for- I really do not need any material gifts. As I recall some of the past presents have received- I think of those who gave them, and more importantly the things money could not buy, that were given me. I have lost too many loved ones this past year. It reminded me of what really is important in life.
The Message Translation of Proverbs 13:22 reads like this; A good life gets passed on to the grandchildren; ill-gotten wealth ends up with good people.
Or if you prefer the New International Version, Proverbs 13:22 reads like this; A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children, but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.
The Message translation of Proverbs 20:7 reads like this; God-loyal people, living honest lives, make it much easier for their children.
The New International Version of Proverbs 20:7 reads like this; The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.
Whichever translation you relate to- I owe a lot to my parents- My parents left me a wonderful legacy and an example to follow. We have been married only 40.5 years- but I owe so much to those who have prayed for us, led by example, and taught us. I hope I can pass some of those blessings on to my children and grandchildren- that is the Greatest Gift one can give. So if you are looking for a gift for Christmas- listen to this video song as my wish to you-Its the gift that keeps giving and giving.
Proverbs 22 1 A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold
Hilton Griswold sang with the Blackwood Brothers Quartet back in 46-48 and he passed away just last spring. Here is the update;
Chapel at the dedication of the Flower Pentecostal Heritage Center.
By Glenn Gohr The Flower Pentecostal Heritage Center is saddened to announce the passing of a dear friend and saint of God. Rev. R. Hilton Griswold was born on November 12, 1921, and he passed away on May 5, 2015 in Springfield, Missouri, at the age of 93. Hilton Griswold passionately loved Gospel music. He is remembered for playing the piano and singing baritone for the Blackwood Brothers Quartet from 1940-1950. He was credentialed as an Assemblies of God minister on July 10, 1948, and pastored churches in Missouri, Iowa, and Illinois. Hilton has been a friend of the Heritage Center for many years. In addition to singing and playing in the Assemblies of God National Leadership and Resource Center chapel on various occasions, he played gospel hymns and choruses for the opening of the Flower Pentecostal Heritage Center and museum on January 19, 1999. In recent years he ministered in nursing homes and senior adult gatherings. He also hosted his own program called “Inspiration Time,” which was released on television, radio and internet releases nationwide. He not only personally knew many of the gospel singing groups and composers, but he often knew the stories behind the songs, which he often shared on his weekly television programs. For a wonderful example of Griswold’s inspirational music, watch this segment of him playing the piano, bass, and harmonica, and also singing 4 different parts for the song “We Shall Rise” as well as some other selections: https://vimeo.com/3599197 Additional selections of Griswold’s music are found on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/HiltonsFriends Hilton Griswold was preceded in death by his wife, Marie, and his daughter, Barbara Chapman. He is survived by his son, Rev. Larry Griswold of Plainfield, Illinois and several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He leaves a wonderful legacy of gospel music and singing which will continue to inspire future generations.
When I’m An Old Lady..
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids,
and make their life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited
. . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout.
. . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
. . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
. . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
. . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
. . when I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told. “I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said. The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck. “Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam. “Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast..
Tim Lovelace is a very talented man- I first heard him in a comedy song on the Gaithers called the Fourth Man. He has many comedy videos on youtube and this one caught my attention- his talent at piano playing! I took piano lessons in the 6th grade but have forgotten it all. Check out this video, you will laugh and recogize his impression of many piano player legands. Who says music cannot be fun? And never judge a book by its cover.
At a posh wedding reception in Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails furiously while calling for help, yelling "help me! I can't swim!" One of the other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So...? I can't play the piano and you don't hear me complaining."
Piano Tuner: I've come to tune the piano.
Music Teacher: But we didn't send for you.
Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.
The audience at a piano recital was appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
John Lund wrote a book called How to Hug a Porcupine and is a marriage counselor. Most marriage advice is not just for marriages, but also helpful in your work, your friends, and family relationships. Criticism is the issue he deals with in this series.
This is actually part 2 of the issue of criticism in marriage. It was too important to leave out or post another day- many marriages break up as they cannot deal with criticism.
I had to include part 3, as it gives us a test to see if we have a toxic personality and is final part dealing with criticism in marriage. I hope this posting helps you not only in your marriage, but in your job and with your family. Some Good stuff we all can improve on- and yes, I have just made 3 blogs into one very important one. If it did not help you, it did help me.
You might be a difficult person if...
you have to stand on your head to smile. people often tell you you’re a difficult person. your parrot only knows swear words. your parents move and ‘forget’ to tell you where. milk curdles when you try to drink it. your wife changes your home phone number while you’re away on a trip. people salute you on the job and you’re not in the military. your imaginary friends constantly tick you off. you often walk into businesses when they are coincidently closing. you go to work and find your desk has been moved to the cellar. to screw in a lightbulb you stand there with the bulb in the socket and wait while the world revolves around you. your wife addresses you as “Sir.” tele-marketers hang up on you. your Christmas “Mystery Person” gift at work is a muzzle. someone keeps sending in your obituary to the paper. your houseplants talk back to you. you find out you were the center of attention at parties you weren’t invited to. you aren’t invited to your office’s Christmas party and you’re the boss. it’s not your deodorant that isn’t working. you really can break crystal with your normal speaking voice. the Foreign Legion won’t let you join because they’re afraid you’ll be a bad influence. you find out that your office has a pool on how many minutes it will be before you explode again.
Rev. E.V. Hill was pastor of Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles for 42 years. Hill served as leader of the National Baptist Convention and on the board of the Billy Graham Association. He was also an influential leader in the civil rights movement. E V Hill passed away in 2003 at age 69. His first wife, Jane, died of cancer on October 29th, 1987. He was married for 32 years to Jane. Today he delivers his wifes funeral as was broadcast on Focus On the Family. It is a powerful message with humor and wisdom- not sure if I should file it under marriage, life or sermons. I urge you to listen to this message. He calls it "My Wifes Death in Biblical Perspective" and Job 1:21 is his verse. I first heard it on Focus on the Family and had the tape for years until I lost it in our house fire.
Noted author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia tells of a four-year-old boy who lived next door to an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. One day the child saw the man sitting on his porch in a rocking chair, and noticed that he was crying. The little boy walked over to the man’s porch, made his way up the steps and climbed onto the old gentleman’s lap. Without saying a word, he just sat there. Later, when his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy answered, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Some people are afraid to get old- I find it more exciting every day and lots of fun. I thought I needed a category on ageing- only to discover I already had 10 videos in that label. It took me 10 minutes to find this video that I wanted to post today that someone sent me several months ago. And if you wonder why I label my blogs- its so I can find out which ones I already posted. Don't feel sorry for me- your turn is coming- I remember in the 2nd grade learning about the explorer who was looking for the fountain of youth almost 300 years ago-If he could not find it, why should I even bother looking?
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..." The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?" "You have Alzheimer's disease." "Good heavens! What's the good news?" "You can go home and forget about it!"
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
Old is when…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot
Old is when…your wife says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Honey, I can’t do both!’
Old is when…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when… an ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to pee.
Old is when…happy hour is a nap.
Old is when …things you buy now won’t wear out.
Old is when …you’re on holiday and your energy runs out before your money.
At the urging of his doctor, an elderly man moved to the deepest countryside. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. ‘Say, is this really a healthy place?’ ‘It sure is,’ the man replied. ‘When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.’ ‘That’s wonderful!’ said the newcomer. ‘How long have you been here?’ ‘I was born here.’
Two old gents and their nurse were sitting on the lawn of the nursing home enjoying the afternoon, when a little bird flew over and dropped a load on the bald head of one of the old men. The nurse got all flustered and said, ‘Don’t you go anywhere, I’ll run in and get some toilet paper,’ and off she goes. The two looked at each other and one of them said, ‘Are we crazy or is she crazy? By the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be a half a mile away.’
His forehead’s so wrinkled he can screw on his hat.
Someone sent me this video last year- this video is not your normal exercise video. I know she has talent, but I also know she has worked hard to do what she can do so easily. Great Job.
WHEN Francis hit his late 40s, he started jogging. A few weeks later the familiar figure was no longer going past our house. "Have you stopped running?" I asked him. "The first week I ran one block and walked one block," Francis began. "The next week I ran two blocks and walked a block. The third week I ran three blocks and walked two blocks. "The fourth week," Francis concluded, "the math got so darned hard that I just gave it up."
A FRIEND wanted me to enroll in an aerobics class. "No. Absolutely not!" I exclaimed. "I tried that once." "What happened?" she asked, looking puzzled. "I twisted, hopped, jumped, stretched and pulled," I replied. "And by the time I got those darn leotards on, the class was over!"
WHILE I was working at a fitness club, a co-worker was showing a new member around. Turning to the trainer the woman said, "I don't feel comfortable here. I feel fat, ugly and not properly dressed. Everyone seems to be thin, beautiful and wearing the nicest aerobic outfits." In an attempt to make the unhappy woman feel at home, the fitness trainer replied, "You shouldn't feel that way. Not everyone here is the way you describe. Look at the fat man riding the bicycle over there. He's not well dressed." The woman stared at the trainer and said, "That's my husband."
I have yet to meet Jeff Allen in person- he is a Christian Comedian. It's a powerful testimony that I hope you will take time and listen to it. No matter where you are in your marriage, make sure Jesus Christ is part of it. I actually have two labels for Jeff Allen, one is under marriage and one under humor.
Ten Biblical Rules for a Happy Marriage By Steve Arterburn
New Life Ministries 1.Never bring up mistakes of the past. Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37). 2.Neglect the whole world rather than each other. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? (Mark 8:36) 3.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26). 4.At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse. Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4). 5.Never meet without an affectionate welcome. Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine (Song of Solomon 1:2). 6."For richer or poorer" - rejoice in every moment that God has given you together. A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate (Proverbs 15:17). 7.If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them (Proverbs 3:27). 8.If they're breathing, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive. I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him (Luke 17:3,4). 9.Don't use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it (John 3:17). 10.Let love be your guidepost. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1 Cor. 13:4,5).
I do not ever intend to make fun of anyone in my blogs and most blogs are for me instead of others. I love funny commercials, and Caltex has a good one here, maybe it could be me someday? I hope it brings a smile to your face and if not, let me post some songs for you old timers below. Actually I think it is about a company who boasts their employees go the extra mile- now that is a good goal and concept for anyone.
If you are over 55- you may remember some of these song titles from yester years.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harum--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---You Make Me Feel Like napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen .
Tony Orlando & Dawn--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Bonnie Tyler - It's My Heartburn
The Beach Boys - Help Me Rhonda (Get Up Out of My Chair)
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson --- On the Throne again!
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security
