Christmas Dinner

During the holiday season I was determined not to gain weight, so I promised myself I would not visit my favorite bakery-cafe for a whole month. I even altered my drive to work to avoid passing the spot. However, one day there was a traffic jam and I forgot and accidentally drove by the bakery. There in the window I saw the yummy pastries I loved. Since nothing happens by accident, I prayed as I slowed down. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good!

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
Snowman The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Night Before' Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

and all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:

"...sleep in heavenly peas";

"Joy to the world, the Savior rains";

"This is he whom Sears of old...";

"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";

"While shepherds washed their socks by night

1. We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar.

2. On the First Day of Christmas, My Tulip gave to me.

3. He's making a list, chicken and rice.

4. You'll go Down in Listerine.

5. Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap, and hay.

6. Olive, the other raindeer.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"