I hope you have several vacation plans this year by now. I made this video several years ago when we went to the Woodland Park Zoo with the grandkids. It is so much fun being a Grandpa. I remember my parents taking me to the Woodland park Zoo back in the 60's as well as the Roosevelt Zoo in Minot North Dakota. And here are some jokes for you regarding the Zoo for you who cannot view the video on your tablets.
Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.
I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?
I took my son to the zoo yesterday. Really, did they accept him?
Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, “it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street.”
Caller: Finally! I got through! I’ve been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy
What’s the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo? In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you have the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.
You don’t see many reindeer in zoos, do you? No. They can’t afford the admission
Chonda Rice as been described as the female version of Mark Lowry Comedy and I enjoy her humor. Today she deals with a serious topic that can be real and I appreciate her honesty and dealing with it. Athough she may use humor, It is a serious topic and nothing to be ashamed of when dealing with. God Gives us many tools to work with and there are many scriptures that deal with depression in the Bible. Seek help if you need to, but please Don't give up!
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
We are down to one pet now since we lost Madison last December. Barnabas, a conure Parrot, was hatched 6-3-2010 in Hawaii. We are hoping he will learn some tricks and talk, so maybe this video is for him more than us? (so far we are not advancing very fast?) Someone gave us a conure years ago, but he was killed in a encounter with a dog that was visiting our house. (We used to let him fly free around the house.) Our last bird we had, Tika, died in the house fire 4 1/2 years ago. In case you do not know, Barnabas, means son of Encourager, a nickname someone gave one of my heroes in the Bible. (can anyone tell me that mans real name?) Be sure and stop by and welcome our new friend- he likes to sit on your shoulder.
This was Barneys first cage- a dog cage actually-
he now has his own Bird Cage that sits in the corner.
This is me and our parakeet when we lived in North Dakota-
I can't remember his name or what happended to him.
We lost Tica in our house fire almost 5 years ago-
we had a memorial service for him with his own children's pastor.
A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it's tweetable."
One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher. Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!" "Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
I love commercials when they are funny- check out this one called Brownie and jumping to conclusions. I am not sure how this fits in, but a reminder "Don't waste your time with explanations, people hear only what they want to hear."
How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much Here is the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the days end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The leopard tried creeping up on the tigers using its camouflage but it was spotted.
The topic of God and Evolution has been around for years- to me it takes more faith to believe in Evolution and no God than to believe it- it is that simple. Mike Huckabee was asked that question a few years ago, I hope he never changes his position and I appreciate his answer on todays video. I am glad Gods Word does not change and I certainly do not have to defend his word or power.
And God promised Men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the World. And then God made the world round. And laughed, laughed and laughed.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
If God had been a liberal, we wouldn't have had the Ten Commandments — we'd have the Ten Suggestions.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Some of you may have seen this video called The Stethescope- it would be nice if God spoke to us that way all the time- but don't hold your breath waiting. God has a way of speaking to us all in different ways. It can be through your pastor, a friend, your spouse, a song, the Bible or his still small voice. No matter how he speaks to you, it should line up with what he says in the Bible. Sometimes we just are not listening or too busy? Someone said Christians are not perfect, just forgiven. I learned long ago to keep my eyes on Christ as an example and not to watch what others may do as my example. I have always said, if you have found the perfect church, please do not invite me as I would hate to ruin it. God never changes- people Do.
Sometimes God speaks to us and God Said NO! Let me share this with you today- Called God Said No."
I asked God to take away my habit. God said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me. God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God. ~Eleanor Powell Maybe the atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.- Mother Teresa
Humor comes in all forms and styles. I have several videos by Kerri Pomarolli- I don't think I have this one yet. As you can see by my videos- they can be funny without using 4 letter words. Kerri deals with exercise and her two year old child in this video. For you who cannot enjoy the video, I posted a few jokes below for you.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this: my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression." **
THE GREATEST WEIGHT-LOSS SECRET OF ALL-TIME: THERE IS A NEW DIET THAT WILL FINALLY HELP MILLIONS OF AMERICANS TO LOSE WEIGHT: THE HIGH PRICE OF FOOD. **
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Bruno and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in weight."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."**
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
All people smile in the same language.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest
Smile – it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I am thankful for church's that have marriage classes. I went online to see what the speaker, John Gottman, was like, and was surprised to hear he is from Seattle and was featured on 20/20 back in 1993. I would like to play that segmant for you today-it is a bit longer than most of my videos, but worth the extra time. We need to always be building our marriages- or they can die.
Dennis Rainey is one of my hero's in building up marriages with his daily radio program (Family Life Today) and I support his ministry. This is one his devotions for couples; Why God Comes First When I pondered to understand this, it was troublesome in my sight until I came into the sanctuary of God. Psalm 73:16-17 If you were asked to name three things that pose the gravest general threats to the health of today's marriages--and to your marriage in particular--what would be on your list? When Barbara and I were asked the same question recently, here are the three we gravitated toward: Threat number one is not really knowing who God is. In his book The Knowledge of the Holy, A. W. Tozer wrote, "The low view of God entertained almost universally among Christians is the cause of a hundred lesser evils among us." When we fail to attribute to God the majesty of His supreme position over us and all creation, we weaken our need to stay accountable to Him in our behaviors and attitudes toward each other. We also lower the healthy self-esteem that's derived from measuring our value in the light of His love and grace. Tozer summed it up, "The most important thing you think is what you think about God." Threat number two is selfishness. This shows itself in numerous degrees, from not wanting to help fold socks . . . to not caring what our schedules are doing to our families . . . to outright adultery. But in reality, this second threat breeds on the first one. Lives that are being constantly molded and characterized by a fear of the Lord will move toward humility and self-denial rather than living to satisfy self. Threat number three is lack of biblical skills in resolving conflict. Conflict happens in marriage. It is simply unavoidable. But many people are not fully aware of the wealth of scriptural truth on this subject. Just following the admonition of a verse like Ephesians 4:32--being "kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you"--will change your life.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
An elderly couple, Pauline & Frank, were recently attending a church service at their retirement village. About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A man is talking to God. The man: God, how long is a million years? God: To me, it’s about a minute. The man: God, how much is a million dollars? God: To me it’s a penny. The man: God, may I have a penny? God: Wait a minute
Mike Moore has a video called Humor and Stress Management that I want to post under life. (no one seemed to like my previous video?) I also want to share a email called "Stress Relief for Christians". I did not make any new years resolutions, just several goals. (is there a difference between goals and resolutions?) They just reported on news that 22%f men will keep their resolutions and 14% of women will keep theirs? We all need a little less stress and to re prioritize some things occassionally. There are some things I have no control over except pray. I am thankful for and do believe in the power of prayer! I also know the importance of humor.
CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS
"Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say "No" to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and un-clutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concern. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, give it to God and forget it!
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13.Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps,etc
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of ad vice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in you everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.
"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
Men women are so different- there are many good marriage videos out there. Dr. Kevin Leman explains some of the differences in todays video, Understanding the Man Code. It is from his book, Have a new husband by Friday- I have not read it yet, but I learned a bit about myself from this video. As we begin this new year, I hope you will join me in working on improving our marriage- if its not growing, it is dying.
For you who cannot view the video- I posted several ways for women to understand men below taken from the internet;(I did not write them)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Traffic Safety is a big concern of mine since I work along the road. I appreciate those who take time to move over when there is an emergency vehicle along the road, even when it is perhaps only me- especially when you have an extra lane. This video shows what can happen if you are standing along the fog line- always treat traffic as if they do not see you or they are drunk; should you need to stand along the road. Use your ears or have someone watch for you should you need to work near the fog line. And yes, its the law that you must move over if a emergency vehicle has his lights on along the road- more importantly, its common sense and proper courtesy.
I love when kids pray- they are honest and so sincere. I so enjoy being a Grandpa- this video is called a childs prayer for Grandpa by Ken Davis. Although this is funny, I also know the importance of a childs prayer- I have always said I would prefer a childs prayer over many adults prayers I think. for those who cannot view the video on your internet connection- here are some childs prayers posted below;
Childrens Prayers:
"Lead a snot into temptation." (Praying for her sister to get into trouble)
A four year old girl prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy prayed, "God, if you can't make me a better boy, that's OK. I'm having a good time the way I am."
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
"Hail, Mary, full of grapes."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?"
"He suffered under a bunch of violets." (Pontius Pilate)
I admire Mike Huckabee and wish he was president. In 2007, someone asked Mike Huckabee, "what was most pressing moral issue facing America?" I don't think the person asking the question really wanted an answer, nor has America heeded the answer. The biggest difference in the two parties today is "morality." There never has been a bigger difference in the two parties. The Democrats have taken God out of their platform and it is apparent Christians are not welcome. It is not a candidate telling me what I want to hear, it is what God calls right/wrong and sin does not change no matter what a politican or preacher says. Its interesting to listen to their solutions to all the killings; but ignoring the more than 544,000 aborted babies since Roe VS Wade. Values are important to me- I wish I had more than just 15 blogs on that subject- but then it is not a popular topic anymore- it certainly shows in the news. But then Values are caught and not taught as some may say.
I remember reading an obituary of a former member of our church who had not missed a day of Sunday School in 56 years. Wow- what a statement and what a goal for a new years resolution. I know there are many good church's out there and of coarse I am proud of our church that we have attended since Christmas 1987. If you are looking for the perfect church- then I can't really help you- but I would like to invite you this Sunday at 10am at 1520 McKittrick Ave in Wenatchee if you do not have a church home. Even if you are visiting our beautiful Valley- make it a point to join us. Happy New Year, and please consider your resolution to be in church faithfully this year.
If you find the perfect church- better not invite me, as I would hate to ruin it. For those who cannot view the video of the day, I have posted from one of my humor book pages, "Reasons why I Do Not Wash".
10 Reasons Why I Do No Wash 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. 3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. 4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 8. I can't spare the time. 9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 10. People who make soap are only after your money
Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement community in a small town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street to a church not far from her apartment. Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church building as she stepped inside to attend the worship service. Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring and, as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the members were nodding off. When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the congregation to greet those sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." "You and me both!" the man replied.
CHURCH NEVERS 6. Never ask an usher to break a $20. 5. Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank. 4. Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday 3. Never tell the pastor, "We love your church and we might even come back next Easter." 2. During youth group activities, never bungee jump off the church steeple or play chicken with the church buses. 1. After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don't follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."
We do not honor mothers enough, and so often we are afraid we may offend mothers if we mention the one over another style- that we avoid honoring all moms? I would just like to say thank you to the moms who go the extra mile to raise their children and not expect the goverment or others to do it for them. I am thankful my mom and Jans mom did not have to work outside the home in raising children. It has become almost a negative thing to stay home with your children today? I have decided to create a label just for mothers. My goal is not to make any mom feel less worthy- rather just the opposite, to thank them and challenge them as they raise the most important people in the world- their Children.
Matthew: What did the mother rope say to her child? Jim: What? Matthew: “Don’t be knotty.”
Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name? Bobbie: East? Robbie: No. Larry.
Things Mom Would Never Say
•"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
•"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
•"Just leave all the lights on... it makes the house look more cheery"
•"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
•"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
•"Well, if Rahul's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
•"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
•"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
•"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
I had to share this commerical that I thought was pretty funny. We all need a good laugh. I found this on internet- not sure what country it played in or what the are trying to sell?
New Years Day is a good day to ask "What are You Living For;" as in todays video. I have lived through 58 new years now- never know when it will be my last. My goal for this year is to live as if it was my last day. There is nothing negative about saying we do not know what tomorrow holds, or to make sure we are ready for our final day. I have put my trust in God who holds tomorrow in his hand. I have also accepted Christ as my savior, and know where I am going should I die. Christians never need to say goodbye- just see you on the other side. I wish you a Happy New Year and all of Gods Blessings.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jer. 29:11
